


Colours Until Death

by TheLegendOfKagePro



Category: Colours Until Death, Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Self Harm, Soulmate AU, Spring Break, Thoughts of Suicide, i need responses to this for a school project, soulmate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-23 19:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 22,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18708700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLegendOfKagePro/pseuds/TheLegendOfKagePro
Summary: A world where everyone is colourblind until they see the one decided by the universe to be their soulmate. A passing glance can grant you colour, so some may not quite know who it is until it's too late. William Woolbrook saw his before he was even old enough to remember. But hey, at least the boy who lives behind him is cute.





	1. Chapter One

William

Last class of the day, algebra. Also the last class before the infamous spring break, the time depicted in literature and film as the time in which high school kids hook up and get in all sorts of trouble. I, William Woolbrook, could not confirm that as being a legitimate thing or not seeing as I was hardly doing more than tending my grandmother's small garden all spring. Fun, right? Yeah, no. I wish. Actually, it wasn't all bad seeing as from where her garden was it'd be easy for me to see Straight Boy Number One. He reminded me of rebel Jack Frost with his way pale hair and blue eyes. He had more piercings in his ears than I could care to count (4, shut up) and two piercings on his bottom lip. Spider bites if I recall correctly.

"William! Let's go! Spring break, drinking, cliches. Come on." Fuck- person there, more specifically my friend Raymond. To be even more specific my only friend. Not the only one-unfortunately-that knew of my less than common sexual orientation. But he was the only one who knew of the small fact that of which being I can see colour. Yeah, yeah doesn't probably seem so exciting to you if you're like me and have been able to see reds and blues for as long as you can remember but for most people, let me tell you, it's very uncommon. Unless of course you've seen your soulmate, which I apparently have. Basically, once you see your soulmate you can see colour forever until they die. I- as I said- have been able to see colour for a long while, ever since I can remember so I haven't the slightest clue who the mysterious person that gave me such a gift is.

"William, come on!" Raymond whines, tugging at my wrist. I had totally zoned out. Shit. I got up shoving all the dead trees we call paper into my bag and punched my friend in the arm lightly.

"Yeah, yeah. Such a rush, got a date or something?" I teased dully, making my way out of the classroom without him even after he waited on me.

He jogged a few steps to beside me, "oh yes, for sure. In my monochrome world I found a girl to go on a date with. You know I'm saving that for when I meet the one." He's such an idiot. There are so many ways that could go wrong, really. Oh well, I wasn't going to try to explain this to him again, he could've ended up with a dilemma like me.

I laughed a little despite the fact that my laugh sounded a little like a small mammal going through some extreme torture, like being skinned alive. "Your clothes totally don't match, by the way." I mentioned offhandedly in response to his underlying pout at not seeing his soulmate yet. Just rubbing in the fact I could see his bright pink shirt and dark maroon pants he had somehow found and hadn't been told about by his soulmate parents. Maybe they just wanted to see him suffer and laugh in the background. I quickly pulled out my blue flip-phone and texted my grandma that I'd be home late because I was "going out with friends" which meant Raymond.

She texted back while he and I were about a block from the school and I was too busy staring at Straight Boy Number One and walking to realize my phone had vibrated. He glanced over at me, the weird kid looking at him, and I swear to whatever god exists I could see the icy blue in his eyes from the hundred yards away. My face heated up without my consent and I tore my gaze away to flip open my phone once it vibrated again. Raymond started laughing at me and I shot a rather weak glare his way. He held up his hands in mock defense and turned the corner, heading to the only and best ice cream shop in town, Korner Kreamery. No one could convince me Dairy Queen was better. Even the decor in this Iowan town's shop was better. It used to be totally cow themed everywhere but they changed it recently, kinda sad really.

"Little distracted by Jack Frost over there?" Raymond taunted. Oh god how I wished I had never told him that's who he reminded me of. I punched him as hard as I could bring myself to and shot a glare up at him. He thought he was so cool being half a foot taller than me. Stupid 6' 4" giant. "Think he sees colour?" he asked seriously.

I'd actually put a lot of thought into that and I had guessed that no, he can't. There were seven billion people in the world and while he had a girlfriend, Safu, they didn't act like soulmates and I thought it very unlikely- though I had allowed myself to fantasize in brief moments- that he was my soulmate that I saw when I was much, much younger. That maybe he was having the same hard life I had to suffer through was too much to hope. "No." I finally answered shortly, popping my thumb even though I hated the sound.

We continued walking after I responded to the text I had received. "What color is that?" he asked, pointing to a stone on the ground. He did this often, asking even though he couldn't really understand what I was saying. It was a kind of interesting stone though.

"It's a blue kind of like the sky with gray splotches and a spatter of red that almost looks like blood." Probably was blood, actually. Accidents happen. People are stupid. I just kept walking while describing it, having to walk backwards for a little to continue looking at it. "Let's just go, I wanna sit down." The ice cream shop didn't open until the summer so basically we sat on the wall next to it, reading and listening to music like the giant fucking nerds we were.

When we got there, Straight Boy Number One was sitting there with his girlfriend, Safu, on our wall. His mom's rusty old Buick was sitting in the parking lot, triple parked horizontally. Asshole. "Should we find somewhere else?" I mutter as a question to Raymond.

"You're funny. No, go talk to Anderson. This is our place." Okay, I should probably tell you Straight Boy Number One's actual name is Timothy Anderson, the Norwegian descent Jack Frost. No way was I going to be able to talk to him. My face was already heating up and I had only glanced at him. Raymond shook his head beside me and approached them, apparently seeing I sure as hell wasn't about to. I couldn't hear what was said because it seemed a static radio had taken control of my eardrums, leaving me to stare at how Timothy's back straightened as he stood up, pulling his girlfriend gently past me and to his car.me I could see every shade of blue hidden in the shadows of his irises and in those few moments I couldn't breathe, especially when we locked eyes for a split second. I didn't move, staring at the spot in which Anderson had been parked for a good while longer until Raymond tapped me on the shoulder and said something I didn't hear the first time.

"William, Jesus Christ, are you even alive? Are faces supposed to be that shade? Are you healthy?" So apparently my face had turned a red he could notice in shades. What fun.

I shrugged and made a sort of grunting sound before responding, "shut up." and walking quickly to the short white wall I would make my seat. I yanked out my iPod and plugged in my headphones to start listening to my Vocaloid trash. Also, Nano. I liked Nano, she had a nice voice and a great blend of English and Japanese lyrics. I turned the volume up max, drowning out whatever teasing Raymond was sending my way and also nearly blowing out my eardrums as I got out my English homework. Suddenly the hearing in my right ear seemed to go out as some asshole a.k.a. Raymond decided to tug out my earbud.

"No shitty music, I can hear it. Turn it off, down, or talk to me. I don't care even if you just describe Timothy Anderson's eyes again or his smile, just something so I don't have to listen to that awful concoction of sounds you call music." He was basically whining and at that moment I couldn't take listening to his voice and looking at his face so I simply stood up.

"You can complain here but I am going to start the stupid homework teachers gave us for the break at my house so I don't have to hear it." I fixed my music situation, hearing Nevereverland play in my ears as I picked up my stuff and started home without waiting for a response. I'm assuming he stayed or something,seeing as I didn't feel a tap on my shoulder or seeing his blue sneakers walking beside me. I was okay with being left alone.


	2. Chapter Two

Timothy

I sat in my room after dropping my girlfriend, Safu, off at her house. We had totally been kicked off that wall by the gay kid's friend. What was his name? William? I couldn't remember. The only thing I really knew about the kid was that we were in the same homeroom and that his cheeks blushed pink every time I caught him staring at me. He was staring at me a lot. I don't really care most of the time. He'd be cute if he were a girl. Dirty blond hair, greenish hazel eyes, freckles. Cute. On a girl, I mean. I'm not gay. I swear. He's gay but not me. I think he's gay for me, actually. I recalled a rather large birthmark on his pale wrist surrounded but freckles. He had a lot of freckles. He was really pale. He also had a weird blue flip phone and I think he forgot what year it was when he bought it. No one but him uses those even in this small town.

I think you may have noticed already that I am not in fact colour blind. No one actually knows this but me and I suspect my parents are slowly figuring it out. I don't really know who made me see colour, it happened when I was so young that I have no memory of who it was. Probably some person I glimpsed mistakingly on a road or sidewalk with my parents and I'll never see them again. At least I knew they weren't dead and I hoped they wouldn't die either. I don't know who it is but I want to keep the wonderful colours and we were told they disappear when our soulmate dies.

I glanced out my window and could see gay boy walking through my house's driveway to get to his house, which was behind mine. We shared a raspberry bush. Fights occurred when they were ripe sometimes. Fun times. He was wearing a too-large black long sleeve shirt that hung off his shoulder with the weight of his backpack. It became apparent to me that I was staring at him and I shook my head, tearing my eyes away before rising to leave my small room and travel to the attic instead.

The attic was the home of our instruments, including my piano. I'd been playing since I was about seven if I recall correctly. I didn't play in competitions or anything, just sometimes for the city and school theatre when they needed it and of course my family when they happened to be listening. Sometimes my sister, Saraen would join me with her violin but not often anymore. We couldn't tolerate each other for more than a few minutes at a time anymore. It was kind of unfortunate, she was only ten. I settled on the piano bench and poised my fingers to play, finding myself distracted looking out of the window in near the instrument I sat at. The pane of glass was a perfect view of gay boy's house and he was sitting on an old oak stump in his yard, reading. He read a lot. I'm not sure when or why I noticed that and so I drew the curtain closed to avoid noticing any more unnecessary details about the boy like the way his nose perfectly curved up or the fact the nearly constant scowl he was seen wearing was kind of endearing.

"Fuck." I cursed aloud, slamming my hand onto the piano keys. Sometimes I really hated myself. I shouldn't have been thinking that. As I've said, I'm not gay and I have a girlfriend. He'd be an attractive girl but not guy. I'm not into guys. I swear. I licked at the piercings in my lip, tasting the metal. I let out a sigh and got up from the piano that I had lost interest in playing at that moment to hate myself into a lump on the floor. I started humming Fall Out Boy's 'I Don't Care' and drumming the beat on my knees until the phone in my pocket vibrated. I slid it out of my pocket, reading the screen. Safu texted me. Of course. I turned my phone off all the way and returned to the windowand opened the curtains back up, telling myself it was to see if there were any weird birds out.

I don't even like birds. Just like looking at William. William Woolbrook I remembered suddenly. His name was William Woolbrook and his book was lying on the stump while he was barely visible behind leaves, digging in dirt I had gathered was a garden. From what I could see, his sleeves were pushed up to his elbows and there was mud all the way up to the middle of his forearm where his birthmark was completely covered. He almost looked like a girl that way.

If I thought of him as a girl it wasn't so bad and I didn't hate myself nearly as much. As long as he stayed behind that tree I could pretend everything going through my mind was nice, quiet and ultimately heterosexual. It felt nice to pretend, like I pretended I didn't care when he picked up his book and went back inside, leaving me to stare at blank, bland, nature. I shook my head like I was trying to shake out the thoughts of the previous few minutes and (I admit) sulking back to my room.

I found my sister sitting on the floor in my room sketching something out in oil pastels. "What do you think you're doing?"

She looked up innocently at me, "I'm drawing Safu from the picture on your desk." Now that I looked closer at her drawing it did kind of look like my girlfriend. The dark black-brown of her hair was the right shade at least. It was a messy drawing, truly that of a ten year old with no experience. Of course, I couldn't draw any better. I ended up watching her draw for a little while longer before I kicked at her arm.

"Get up and get your little butt out of my room, take the picture if you want just get out." Her response to my demand was a silent frown up at me and her trudging out of my room looking dejected. I didn't feel bad in the slightest.

Once that was done with I sat on my much-too-big bed and closed the door with my foot. Way too small of a room if I do say so myself. I pulled my smartphone out of my pocket and plugged it into the wall charger without turning it on again. I had a pile of spring break homework I had to do and nothing else to do at that time. Before I started on the essay the stupid English teacher assigned, I pulled out the brick some would call an mp3 player and turned on shuffle. First song was Green Day, Boulevard Of Broken Dreams. Came out in 2004 if my memory serves correct.

After an hour or so I gave up focusing on whether elderly people should have to get a new driver's licence after their senses went to shit because honestly I couldn't care less about the matter. Not enough old people around me that I would worry about that anyway, only gay boy's grandma who moved in apparently recently. My mom made me take over some gift for her since apparently the old lady helped us repair our fence or something. Anyway, I ended up pushing aside the loose paper I had been using to write only to get a paper cut on my left index finger. It started bleeding almost immediately and I raised it to my mouth to suck the blood off so it wouldn't get on anything as I made my way to the bathroom down the hall for an off-brand Band-Aid.

I had just returned to my room as a loud, clear voice belonging to my mom shouted the beautiful word "dinner!" up the stairs. I not-so-gracefully slid out of my room on my socked feet, nearly tripping then changing to a much calmer pace to go down the hall and stairs. I'd had my share of tumbling down them and I didn't particularly want to revisit those memories physically. When I reached the bottom landing I could smell the wonderful scent of fried potatoes, something my mom was great at cooking. I idly wondered what else was for dinner before I got to the dining room and saw for myself. The aforementioned potatoes along with once-frozen mixed veggies and chicken. One of the best and most frequent meals at the Anderson house.

"You sure got here quick." my mother commented as I sat down in an amused tone. I noticed her light brown hair was getting rather long and figured she'd probably cut it soon.

"Shut up." I muttered as a response. Saraen and my dad came stomping down the stairs a minute or so later and so that started a rather quick dinner that ended with me leaving early and holing up in my room, scarred by my own thoughts. I probably would tell you what had happened but I don't feel like it. Let's just say it had something to do with gay boy, William.

I ended up finishing my essay after that.


	3. Chapter Three

William

I woke up the next morning feeling as if I had missed something drastic but couldn't quite remember what. A light rain had fallen over the night and so a heavy mist chilled the air outside my window. The painted stars on my wall seemed to be moving and I suddenly remembered what I had missed. Sleep. I had fallen asleep at nearly four in the morning which meant I only got two hours of sleep when my alarm went off at six. I had stayed up all night being able to neither sleep nor focus on homework all because my mind wouldn't stop the thoughts about Straight Boy Number One. His stupid Norwegian face wouldn't leave my mind even for a second. I groaned and fell against the support of the wall behind my bed as thoughts returned of how great it would be to kiss the stupid smirk he always wore around friends right off his face. I pushed my too-long bangs out of my eyes before reaching for my phone to complain to Raymond.

He returned my text describing how tired I was about ten minutes later with, ";) why?" and I wanted to scream.

"what the fuck are you implying" was the message I decided to respond back with. If he was suggesting what I thought he was then I would go over to his house just to slap the smirk I knew was there right off his face. I was totally going to kill him.

Almost directly after I send the text my asshole of a friend responds simply with, ";)))" and yes, my thoughts were confirmed. I was going to get on my tip-toes and cut off the airflow to his tiny little brain next time I saw him.

After I realized I had seething in silent disgust\anger for a few minutes longer than planned I responded, "what the fuck raymond no that's not why. only you have that problem". I felt better after that, enough so I could drag my sleep deprived ass out of bed to get dressed. My limbs felt way too heavy to function but I forced them through the motions and basically fell down the stairs to get breakfast and 'forget' to brush my teeth. After I shoved a fruit roll-up I called breakfast into my mouth I went back upstairs to retrieve my phone.

"whatever you say color boy" was the message I had missed from about a quarter of an hour ago. Well, maybe not missed, just was late to see. I was going to see if he wanted to see whatever movie was at the vine covered old theatre but now I was having second thoughts. If he was going to be a brat making suggestions all day then I did not want to be the one at the butt of these jokes. They got old real fast and I had gotten tired of them a couple years back as a freshman.

A few hours later I found myself sitting in the theatre with the very person I said I was tired of. We were re-watching an old Iron Man movie they were showing, our seats in the very back row. I had neither planned nor noticed until halfway through that we were sitting behind Straight Boy Number One and the infamous Safu. After I noticed this little thing I couldn't drag my attention back to the movie, instead watching the lights from the screen dance on his arm. The same arm was connected to a hand that was holding his little Asian girlfriend's. An unwelcome pang of jealousy shot through me and stayed there, increasing as they felt the need to kiss. I stared, my heart pounding in my ears as his thin fingers found a place in her dark hair. They were sitting literally two rows in front of me and I could see too well even in the dim lighting that they both had their eyes closed, Safu's eyelashes standing out on her tan skin. I was as far back in my seat as I could be and somehow, over the sound of the movie and dramatic explosions from a low-tech Iron Man suit I could hear a small whimper fall pathetically from my lips before I knocked over my popcorn and raced out of the building.

\---

I came back to sensibility after running to and sitting in the empty playground of my elementary school. Stewart Elementary. I was sitting on top of the monkey bars that I used to hang upside down from. They were red but most kids couldn't tell that and when I was in school they were the slate monkey bars because apparently that's what shade they were if you weren't lucky enough to be able to see the vibrant paint. Sometimes I wished I was colourblind and normal. I wouldn't have to watch my words or struggle with the fact I'd never know who my soulmate was probably until they ended up dead and suddenly the world went blank. I both dreaded and longed for that day. Maybe I would even be the one out of us that died first, leaving them forever questioning who it was that gave and took the greatest gift. They would never figure out who it was, I was such an insignificant person, hardly doing anything with my life at all.

My thoughts were interrupted by a text from Raymond. "you okay bro?" I sighed and push my too-long bangs off of my forehead as I typed out my response.

"Fine. I'm absolutely fine."

I shut off my phone after that.


	4. Chapter Four

Timothy

I had been on a movie date with Safu when the strange event happened. We were having a cliched make out session in the middle of Iron Man when all of the sudden the person sitting a few rows behind up shot out of their seat, spilling stuff everywhere. I moved away from Safu real fast, startled. In the dim exit light I saw the dirty blond hair and trade-mark long sleeves that I knew to be Will's. It felt like a block of ice settled in my stomach and I suddenly felt sick for unknown reasons. He had just watched that. My mind said that wasn't why he left, that would make no sense. No, I figured he had some bathroom emergency or something. Still though, I couldn't help but feel bad that anyone had had to watch that, especially him.

After the movie ended and he helped Safu home in his too-old car he wandered around the small town for a little while, deciding to stop at what everyone just called North Park. Creative name, it was to the north of some school. He got out of his car and made his way slowly under the 'bubble' of monkey bars to the merry-go-round. The paint was faded and chipped from too many years of use and not enough funding for a re-paint. I kicked the piece of playground equipment into a slow spin with my left foot, pushing off the ground again every so often. Whenever the spin would direct me toward the school I gazed longingly, flooded with memories of the hard time I had concealing my ability to see colour. Eventually on one of the spins I noticed a figure atop the 'slate monkey bars' that were actually bright candy-apple red. I couldn't make out many details, they were about 200 yards from where I was. They seemed to be wearing sleeves but I didn't think it was Will. It would be too much coincidence in too little time. I didn't notice my stopping the little ride I was on but at some point I must've seeing as I was no longer rotating. I watched the mystery person hang upside-down, their knees hung over a bar. Suddenly a choked sounding yell echoed across the empty field between us.

"I WISH I COULDN'T SEE COLOUR!!!"

My breath suddenly hitched. "Why would you- why would you say that?" I mumbled. Unless he just so happened to be like me and didn't know who made him able to there was no reason for anyone to say that. I let the possibility of that sink into my head. Maybe they were like me. Maybe they were my soulmate. I was about to get up to speak to them when suddenly they dropped themselves from the bars and walked away. I had missed my chance like an idiot.

\---

I made my way back home shortly after the strange encounter, thinking my whole drive home. I still couldn't think of a reason someone would hate seeing colour unless they were either A) like me and had no idea who their soulmate was or B) their soulmate was a giant asshole that they didn't want anything to do with. Neither solution seemed all that likely to me since the fragile science of soulmates usually didn't put two together that wouldn't mesh and the possibility of actually forgetting who your soulmate was is probably a one in a million chance, almost like winning the lottery except less wanted.

As I sat in the attic playing random tunes on my piano rain began to splatter on the window beside me. The quiet sound made me want to open the window in order to let the nice breeze waft the scent of rain inside. I resisted the urge though because I didn't particularly feel like being scolded by my mother about how the rain will make me sick and then everyone else would get sick. I just really wanted dinner, I was hungry. It was about six after all. As if I was a psychic, Saraen came up the stairs that had the unfortunate position to ascend from the bathroom and announce "dinner's ready!" in her small ten year old voice.

"Yes! Finally!" I cheered. I nearly beat my little sister down the first stairwell. I took the shortcut hidden-ish stairwell that led straight to the kitchen and was seated before Saraen was even at the middle landing of the stairs on the other side of the house. In the rush for dinner I had forgotten for a short period of time about the mystery man that was definitely not Will but as my parents were both seated after their children the memories came rushing back to me. Suddenly I lost my appetite, which was very uncommon for myself. I forced myself to eat anyway as to not seem out of sorts and concern the rest of my family.

The dinner went uneventfully, normal table family small talk. The "how was your day"s got passed around to each of us and I- obviously- left out my odd occurrence of the day. They didn't need to know. After I ate and did my job to put away leftovers I holed up in my room to get some homework done. Eventually though I ended up pulled in by my laptop that had been basically calling to me for the entire time. I spent most of my time on Facebook but not much happened. People posting pictures and meaningless ramblings about their everyday life. Some random person I followed had found his soulmate and I had to admit, he was lucky. His soulmate was pretty from what was shown. Long dark brown-black hair and a nice figure. She was facing away so that you couldn't exactly see much of her but after looking at the photo for a few more moments it felt like I knew the woman. I scrolled through the comments and suddenly my blood ran cold. I reread the name I saw multiple times.

"Safu Karutchi"

My lungs seemed to stop working while my heart went into overdrive, if someone had walked into my room they probably could've heard it. My girlfriend- er- ex-girlfriend had found her soulmate. Of course I was happy for her. Of course. That didn't stop a dagger of hurt from twisting my insides, though. This was always the risk with dating someone who you weren't destined to be with and you had to be prepared for the possibility but even though I knew it that didn't mean I felt completely okay writing her a congratulations message.

"Haha, I guess this means you've found who you're destined to be with! Kind of an abrupt end to our relationship but I wish you good luck and a nice future with Damien!"

I had to stop at the end to check for his name since quite honestly I stopped caring about either one of them as soon as I figured the truth out. I snapped my laptop closer and jumped from the chair at my desk to my bed, lying back to think about the whole shit storm of a day I'd had. Sometimes I really hated living.


	5. Chapter Five

William

 

The next morning, I didn't want to get up. I had been having a rather pleasant dream that I had taken the place of Safu in the scene I had witnessed the previous day. That it was myself being kissed by that short Norwegian boy instead of that tiny Asian girl. She didn't deserve it. I mean, it's not like I did either but I could pretend for at least a little bit, right? That seemed pretty fair to me.

While I was still silently seething and being an overall gay teenage cloud of depression my phone buzzed with a text from Raymond. "Safu found her soulmate" followed immediately after by "saw it on frost's facebook". The depression cloud I mentioned earlier did a weird mix of dissipating and growing heavier. In a way I guess I was sort of hoping that I read them wrong and they were in fact soulmates so I could give up on Anderson. I knew we weren't soulmates, I had never entertained that idea seriously, only in fantasies but still, now the impossible idea seemed about 1% possible. A brief tidal wave of self-hatred washed over me as I realized my petty, childish hope. There was no way that could happen, good things weren't for Japanese music geeks like me.

"guess he's open haha" was my very humorless response. I pushed my old phone under my pillow and pulled out my iPod and earbuds, turning on some of Nano's stuff. Nevereverland played first and I didn't think it completely unfitting, the beginning mood at least.

I slunk beneath my blankets and my mind conjured up an impossible world I liked to loose myself in sometimes, they one where Timothy and I could be soulmates. At this time though I hated my mind for pulling me into this particular fantasy world because I knew I wouldn't be getting out until forced. I curled onto my side and let my imagination take me.

\---

Timothy and I were sitting in an empty theatre, Iron Man playing like it had been. Completely same, really but with only us and me instead of Safu. It was about ten minutes into the showing when he did The Move, pretending to yawn and stretch only to nonchalantly rest his right arm around me. I grinned a little, slightly amused by his amusing use of the cliche. We both stared at the screen in front of us but more often than not our gazes flickered to each other.

On one such occasion when he caught me looking over at him he leaned over, tipping my chin down a bit with his left hand so he could reach better over the armrest between us. I couldn't help but return the kiss. My right hand clutched his wrist lightly and I watched as his eyelids fluttered closed, hiding his blue irises. my senses went to static and it was hard for me to focus outside of the electric feeling of contact. I closed my own eyes shortly after when the arm that had been resting around me moved to bury fingers into my messy hair. He tasted vaguely of Dr Pepper when my tongue darted out of it's own accord to press against his lips. I felt him shiver slightly and I shifted more in my chair to get closer. I moved my free hand to the armrest and basically moved onto my knees as if trying to crawl over. He seemed to support this cause, tugging me closer, nearly on top of him.

Suddenly the movie went silent and I was ripped out of my fantasy in the realization that my earbuds and blankets had been ripped away by a very straight faced Raymond. I quickly sat up, only a tad bit embarrassed despite the fact he had no idea what that was all about. "What the fuck?" I growled, pulling a scowl onto my face.

"I tried texting you. Your idiot self wouldn't respond so I came over and let myself in." He replied, as if that were the obvious choice to resort to when someone wouldn't reply to your probably stupid messages.

"I'm assuming there was some pressing matter you needed to discuss with me then?" I asked, getting up from my bed and changing my shirt, tugging on a Washington Demons sweatshirt over that. I had a bad habit of sleeping in jeans so I didn't do anything about that.

"No, not really. Just here to prevent you from concealing yourself in your room all day like usual so you can j-"

I interrupted him with a yelp\shout of "Raymond!" and he shut up, a victorious glint in his eyes. "I don't do that!" He looked unconvinced as he shrugged.

"Well, whatever. Come on," he drug me out of my room and pushed me to the staircase, "we're going to a super cool, super teenage party at some random guy's house tonight and that means you're getting your hair cut." I couldn't exactly resist, just letting out a loud groan.

"I don't want to. I never agreed to this."

"Shh or you'll wake your grandma, I'm sure she's still asleep somehow."

"My iPod is still on! It's going to die." I complained loudly as he pulled me out of my front doors. He pretended not to hear me.

The town's Cost Cutters was down the street and to the left of where I lived so we got to our destination fairly quickly. It was beside a Subway deli place and a Blockbuster movie rental. Yeah, Blockbuster. That's how outdated Washington was. That aside, Raymond shoved me into the barely open Cost Cutters to make me pay for my unwanted haircut with my own money which I felt was unfair. The wait time was short and I ended up getting about an inch and a half cut off. My friend did not look impressed.

\---

We had spent the rest of the day kicking around glass near the railroad tracks until finally he said it was time for the party. It was at a kid named Jake's house and, of course, his parents were out. My spring break kept getting somehow more cliche with each passing day. The only proper ending to this would be to get the guy I wanted in the end. I had changed into black jeans and a short sleeve black twenty one pilots shirt I borrowed from Raymond. Of course the shirt was about three sizes too big and slid too far on my shoulder if I didn't pay attention but I didn't care.

Almost directly after we knocked at 21:57 the door opened. It seemed we were a tad late even though it was supposed to start at 22:00. Too-loud pop music blasted in my ears as Raymond and I entered the house. The walls were a bright pink colour and clashed with the plaid purple and grey furniture set. It was obvious no one who lived here had found their soulmate.

Some guy I had never seen before walked up to Raymond, "hey man, glad you could make it." He was a little bit good looking but probably totally straight and wouldn't be into someone who looked like me anyway. I self consciously ran my hand down the back of my head, marking where it cut off. It was way shorter than I had been used to for a long time. I pulled the over sized shirt back centered on my shoulders and when I looked over to say something to my friend I found I had lost him somewhere in the mob of people. I turned and some girl's bright baby blue purse slapped me in the face. I winced and let the accessory fall to the ground. I glared in the general direction though no one was paying any attention to me. A quick swipe of my tongue on my way to a corner told me that my lip had split and was bleeding a tiny bit. I wiped the rest of the crimson liquid away with the back of my hand and leaned against the wall beside me. I was planning on remaining there until I spotted Raymond and told him I was heading home. That time was not anywhere close to happening.

I was continuing to look lazily around for Raymond and pet down my hair I recognized the song that came on. I Don't Care. Fall Out Boy. I started singing along quietly, more mouthing the words than anything.

Say my name and his in the same breath  
I dare you to say they taste the same

No one took notice of me, the drab gay boy in the over-sized shirt. I apparently took that as a sign no one would notice of I started singing louder.

Let the leaves fall off in the summer  
And let December glow in flames

I slumped over a bit, not adjusting the volume I was singing. I wasn't very loud anyway. Even I couldn't hear me. Then again, I could barely hear myself think. I idly wished I still had my hair to fall over and shield my eyes the way it used to.

Erase myself and let go  
Start it over again in Mexico

My fingers tapped the beat against my thigh.

These friends, they don't love you  
They just love the hotel suites, now

I found myself singing a bit louder, able to hear my voice in my little bubble of solitude.

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me  
The best of us can find happiness in misery

I tasted metallic, my lip had started bleeding again.

Said,  
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me  
The best of us can find happiness in misery

I leaned straighter against the wall, staring at nothing in particular in the middle of the crowd.

Oh take a chance, let your body get a tolerance  
I'm not a chance, put a heat wave in your pants

Somewhere in the back of my mind not drowned in song lyrics heard someone singing- quite terribly- beside me. I didn't bother looking.

Pull a breath like another cigarette  
Pawnshop heart trading up (trading up)

I found myself singing as loud as I could without sounding like a dying cat.

On the oracle in my chest,  
Let the guitar scream like a fascist

Fortissimo, I believe.

Sweat it out, shut your mouth  
Free love on the streets but  
In the alley it ain't that cheap, now

I darted my tongue out to catch red metal.

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me  
The best of us can find happiness in misery

Something bumped my arm, I ignored it.

Said,  
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me  
The best of us can find happiness in misery

More insistent. I looked over. Shadows obscured who it was but they offered me a drink.

Said,  
I don't care just what you think  
As long as it's about me, you said

I heard "Pepsi" over my own singing, I hadn't paused.

I don't care just what you think  
As long as it's about me, I said

I took the cup. More cliches, red solo cup anyone?

I don't care (I don't care)  
Said, I don't care (I don't care)

I swished the cup, watching the dark liquid swirl around.

Said, I (I) don't (don't) care (care)  
I (I) don't (don't) care (no I don't)

I licked my lip again quickly. Still blood.

I don't care, (I said)  
I don't care, (I said)  
I (I) don't (don't) care (care)

The song was ending soon I knew. Then I'd be lost and confused by current pop music flooding my mind.

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me  
The best of us can find happiness in misery

Didn't look forward to that.

Said,  
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me  
The best of us can find happiness in misery

My fingers stopped tapping as the song ended and I slumped against the wall again. I took a drink of the liquid and it burnt when I swallowed. I winced and nearly spit it up.

That was definitely not cola.

Was this someone's idea of a joke? I supposed with how stereotypical my break had been so far should have warranted this happening but alas, my mind didn't think that up before. Whatever. While I had the opportunity, why not? I swallowed another mouthful. Awful. Burning. How do people enjoy this? Another sip. Still hurt, my face contorted. Also, beer on my cut. Ouch. More ingestion. Empty cup. Now I had to track down where to get more and that meant leaving my little corner.

I left my little corner and ended up shoving my way through to the kitchen.


	6. Chapter Six

William

Two.

Three.

Seven.

I lost track of how many cups of the repulsive liquid went down my throat but however many, it was more than enough for my thoughts to become muddled and the sensible voice in the back of my mind to become silenced under the weight. The taste and burn had stopped bothering me and I returned to my corner or maybe another corner with a full cup. I had gotten disoriented so maybe it was my corner maybe not but all I knew was that there was someone standing in it. I tripped over my own alcohol heavy feet and obviously very gracefully fell upon the person. I shoved myself off their- his chest to stand up straight. I couldn't get myself to focus well enough to notice anything about them beside the fact they had a couple piercings in their bottom lip.

I muttered out a drunken apology and took to leaning against the wall beside him, either completely ignoring or forgetting about their existence.

After a few minutes, a few songs, a half solo cup of liquid hell, the boy beside me tapped my shoulder. I glanced over after a moment or two, staring at the double piercing. It moved and I realized he was talking.

"-kay?"

"Huh?" I asked oh so elegantly. I hadn't been paying attention in the slightest. My senses were pretty dulled anyway so I didn't really care. Just pretending I guess.

"Are. You. Oh. Kay?" He stressed each syllable as if I were retarded or something.

I waved the hand not holding the cup, "yeah, yeah 'm fine." He didn't look convinced at all. In fact, he looked a little concerned for me and I didn't know why. I felt perfectly fine. Just a little unstable. And I stumbled a lot. But that was normal. I'm clumsy sometimes. Well, it was my natural clumsiness or alcohol intake. Whichever, it didn't matter much to me. When he spoke again I noticed a slur on his words, he too was drunk.

"Alright, whatever." He shook his head a little. "Your shirt's too big. Looks good." At that addition I self consciously tugged the fabric back onto my shoulders from where it had been hanging off.

I moved back to leaning against the wall or rather, attempted to. I got pulled off balance by Piercings and my eyes widened as I realized this boy was kissing me. It was sloppy and very much alcohol driven but I really had no complaints about it. He was pretty good looking and I hadn't been kissed in hell knows how long. I couldn't find it within myself to reject the action and ended up returning it. I pressed my tongue out in drunken curiosity, wanting to know what the piercings tasted like. Metal, they tasted like metal. Kind of like if you sucked on a penny. Not quite like blood though and I suddenly hoped my lip didn't start bleeding again, I could tell it was swollen already though. My thoughts broke off quite abruptly as I felt his tongue press back against mine and I realized my own had slipped its way into his mouth. I was pressed against the wall and my shirt fell off my left shoulder again. We continued- well- making out until a cheer I recognized as Raymond broke through whatever haze had formed around me.

"Nice, William!" I jumped, shoving the slightly shorter boy I had been kissing away in shock. I felt my face heat up in delayed embarrassment and didn't say anything as I scuttled away to my friend, leaving Piercings behind. "Who was that?" Apparently he couldn't see in the too-little light either.

"I have no idea. Let's get out of here." I just wanted to get far away back home as quickly as I could.

"Whatever you say, man. You seemed to be enjoying yourself but your call, I did drag you here after all. You don't look sober enough to find your way home anyway now that I look at you. One hell of a hangover you're due for in the morning."

"Shut up." I muttered in response. "I'll be fine."

\---

I was not fine. My head pounded and I couldn't focus because of the pain. I had gotten up at least five times during the night to vomit up everything in my digestive system and felt like doing it again. I wobbled precariously down the hall to the bathroom to get an obsessive amount of Advil and downed it dry. The only things I could remember from the previous night after getting the purse thing thrown at me were the taste of metal and kissing some guy. Somewhere in my mind I wondered who it was but I knew I'd never figure it out. They were probably drunk too so it was no use.

I returned to my room to find my phone buzzing Raymond's ring tone. The pain in my head spiked as I picked up. "The fuck do you want?" I grumbled. Another spike.

I heard a laugh from the other end of the line. Ow. "Someone doesn't seem in too great shape, huh? I warned you, I really did." If I could hit him through the phone I would've.

"Yeah, shut up. What do you want?"

Silence for one beat. Two.

"Remember 'Piercings?' You couldn't stop blabbering all the way back to your house. Do you even know what his name was?" Oh. That's right. I kissed a guy and I named him 'Piercings' cause I was too lame to ask a name. Nice kisser.

"Ha, no. I wish. You already knew that though. Asshole."

"I know who."

Then he hung up.


	7. Chapter Seven

Timothy

I woke up feeling as if my skull had been the target of a wrecking ball and my clothes and bed were covered in sick. It smelled like hell and I made the mistake of rolling over and falling onto the cold floor. I groaned and got up, pulling off my shirt and pants along with bedsheets. I had to get them in the washer before my parents had material evidence of my illegal activity. Of course they'd know I drank, if I looked as bad as I felt that much would be obvious. I trudged down the hall to the left to get to the washing room and shove everything in to get spun in circles and washed.

Once that was done I basically doused my entire room in air freshener.

Ah, the nice smell of Hawaiian Breeze.

I hopped in the shower after too much Tylenol and took forever thinking of that chick I kissed. She was as drunk if not more-so than me. It was weird, the only person other than Safu that I'd ever kissed.

Right, I went to that dumb party because of Safu. To basically forget about her and her stupid soulmate, Damian I think his name was. Ugh, idiotic system. Hated it.

I exited the shower and got dressed in clothes I wouldn't mind throwing up on before stumbling up the stairs to the attic and plopping myself down on the piano bench, gazing out the window. If I were being honest with myself I'd admit I was looking forward to seeing gay boy outside, which I didn't. I can't say I wasn't a tiny bit disappointed.

I started playing a song, real quiet. Like, piano to the infinity. Well, not that it did much. A huge open room echoed and still hurt my head really bad. I supposed I didn't actually really mind it. Nice distraction I guess. I played basically everything set to my memory and then glanced through the pane of glass beside me. Long sleeved death was outside reading. His hair was a mess that I could see and how he slumped over made him look as if he had given up on life x10. He leaned back, upside down on his stump and I figured that couldn't be comfortable. The wood must be digging into his back pretty harshly. Ow. Even that's disregarding the fact that that angle must be painful. Like, hell I could see his face upside down from how he was. He rolled off his seat thing onto the grass and stayed still there.

One minute.

Two minutes.

Five minutes now.

"Holy shit he fell asleep-" I muttered, in slight awe of the boy. It was way too humid for a nap. "Insane." I shook my head and left the piano bench to go downstairs. There was a window at the end of the hall on the second floor looking straight out onto their yard and I went to it. I couldn't see much better from there, tree level made it so I could only actually see Will's arms.

Suddenly my stomach rumbled and I had the sudden realization that I hadn't eaten since before I threw up my internal organs. I held my pounding head as I took the nearby stairs down to the kitchen to grab like two packets of PopTarts. Nothing says 'nutritional breakfast' like artificially flavoured and frosted breakfast pastries. I headed outside through the mudroom to sit in the big maple tree we had. I climbed up with a little difficulty, seeing as I was carrying precious food and didn't want to crush it. I couldn't see gay boy from my perch but I didn't mind. The air was heavy and humid with a morning mist and the sun barely risen. I'm not sure how I always managed to wake up so early, especially after a hellish night of alcohol induced throwing up and blurred dreams about the mystery girl I kissed.

"What was her name?" I ended up muttering aloud, as if the chilled air would find me an answer.

"What was who's name?" a voice answered from beyond the yard's white fence. Nearly startled me out of my tree. In the end I hopped off my branch anyway, sweeping my gaze around. It landed on gay boy himself who was leaning forward on the afore mentioned fence.

I nearly jumped back into my tree.

"Who're you?" Playing dumb. I'm playing dumb. And am dumb. I've lived in front of this boy for my entire 17 years. His face seemed to reflect that.

"William Anderson. As it had been the whole time. I got to school with you. We ride the same bus for god's sake." He shook his head and winced a little.

"Oh, right. Guess I forgot. You're not so memorable." His face didn't even change and nor did mine, hopefully. He just shrugged.

"I know. What girl?" God, why was he so curious? Also, why so self deprecating? Couldn't he tell that was a lie?

I shrugged and found myself walking toward him and sat on one of the two swings facing him. An old play structure the previous owners left behind when they moved. Squeaked a bit too much to be considered safe but we kept it nonetheless. "Some chick from a party I went to last night. Never caught her name." I wasn't sure why I was telling him all this, even though I hadn't even told him much in the first place. Why would he even care? Why would he ask? "You usually spy on people through their back yards?"

"Only today." he replied. "Cause I finished my book and heard some idiot muttering to the nature spirits. Trying to communicate with a satyr or something?" God, why did he have to be such a nerd? Thinking back on it, when we were younger those Peter Johnson books or whatever were pretty popular. Just kidding, Percy Jackson. I was obsessed with them.

"Yeah, for sure. Trying to call to Coach Hedge or maybe even Grover."

He stared at me in dead silence for the count of five before his face broke into the widest grin and he laughed. It was a pretty good laugh, honestly. "You read those too?" he asked excitedly almost as if he were a little kid again. "Who was your favorite?"

I thought for a moment or two before, "Leo, definitely." He always just seemed cool to me as a kid as ironic as that was. He didn't care what was possible or not, if he wanted it he did it. Calypso, Festus, it really didn't matter what people said or not.

Will nodded thoughtfully, "mine was Nico."

"Death Boy." I commented.

He made an odd expression, inhaled and stepped into the shadows, "do not call me Death Boy!" Oh my god he's such a nerd.

Even so, I supposed that was a little endearing. I laughed, "Okay, okay. Got it, di Angelo." Irony struck me. "Wasn't that something Nico said to Will? Hmm, Will?" I grinned.

He stayed silent for a few moments before, "haha, yeah. Sorry, I gotta go. Homework, y'know?" He turned and walked back to the confines of his house.

My smiled had abandoned my face.

If I didn't know better I'd say he was about to cry.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N-This chapter contains self harm. It is not plot vital but this story was written years ago and I need something from it due this Friday and I do not have time to take it out. I apologize. You will not miss anything if you skip it.

William

I had been doing so well the whole conversation, keeping both my raging headache and hormones in check while talking to the Straight Boy One. I had been glad when we stumbled upon the topic of the beautiful characters of Rick Riordan, that was something I could talk about forever. When I was little I had been obsessed with it like Nico had been obsessed with Mythomagic. You could not take those books away from me. But never mind that.

When Timothy called me 'Will' it felt like the shadows I had stepped into consumed me, my stomach dropped out of my body along with all other internal organs and I willed my voice to stay steady as I replied with a forced laugh, "Yeah. Sorry, I gotta go. Homework, y'know?" I had finished all of the break work by some miracle in actuality but it seemed like a solid enough excuse. I turned and reclused back into my house, slamming the door shut and dashing to my room. A seventeen year old like myself should probably not run to his room about to cry over someone calling him a name his parents used to.

Long sad story short, my grandma moved in a couple years ago because when my parents were stationed in Afghanistan some wild shit happened and they both lost their lives. What an unfortunate double death, right? Of all unlikely cliche things to happen it had to be the double parent death. Let's add to the cliche, my mom and dad used to basically only call me 'Will' and after their death I made everyone stop calling my that, including Raymond. Whenever I hear that name still my throat tightens under the threat of tears.

Brave death they had said.

Died together they had said.

All there was to show for it were flags pushed away because of the pain they brought.

My tears seemed to not stop and I wiped teeth-torn hands across my cheeks angrily, hating myself for being so unstable. I turned on my iPod, pulling my old over-head headphones into place and started listening to whatever came on shuffle. I just wanted the flow of tears to stop. HYPERDONTIA came on first. Vocaloid. v4flower. Collab with GHOST and Creep-p.

Pull ‘em out and  
And and  
Wash ‘em off, the memories  
Tear ‘em out and  
And and  
Make up for forgotten years  
Pull ‘em out and  
And and  
Wash ‘em off, the memories  
Tear ‘em out and  
And and and and and

In the back of my mind I was glad Goodbye hadn't come on. It would probably lead to some rash actions and that could never be good. No songs about suicide while I felt like that would be good. I'd welcome them and lets the idea of death spiral in my head until I did it.

And on the count of three, you need to get out  
One, two, oh, you sure convinced me  
I don’t want the infection spreading  
Oh my god, you’re crying again

I bit at the skin around my nails, a habit I had developed long ago and could never seem to break.

Say “ah”!  
Say that again, you know it doesn’t matter  
I’ve been choking for a while  
Now tell me all about my selfish, fucked-up memories  
Begging me to stay and watch as things get much, much more worse

Skin ripped away, tears mixed in with raw skin and pain spread up my hand.

Say “ah”!  
I’m ‘bout to shut down  
“Ah”  
Under anesthesia  
I can’t feel the pain anymore  
I’m pulling teeth for what seems like an eternity

A liquid not salt water ran it's way down my right middle finger and I knew my teeth had pulled too much away.

On the count of three, you need to get out  
One, two, oh, you sure convinced me  
I don’t want the infection spreading  
Oh my god, you’re crying again

Blood stained my fingers as another barrier broke.

Pull ‘em out and  
And and  
Wash ‘em off, the memories  
Tear ‘em out and  
And and  
Make up for forgotten years  
Pull ‘em out and  
And and  
Wash ‘em off, the memories  
Tear ‘em out and  
And and  
Make up for forgotten years

I realized I was crying for more than my parents, instead for my lost soulmate, the events of the previous night, so many years of homophobic hate directed at me.

Over and over, again again  
Flashbulb memories like surgical lights  
When all this is over, I swear, I swear  
I’ll open my mouth and scream louder than before

I realized I had given up living long before I even knew.

Say “ah”!  
I’m ‘bout to shut down under anesthesia  
I can’t feel the pain anymore  
I’m pulling teeth for what seems like an eternity

I didn't want to suffer anymore but I knew deep down I had to.

Pull ‘em out and  
And and  
Wash ‘em off, the memories  
Tear ‘em out and  
And and  
Make up for forgotten years  
Pull ‘em out and  
And and  
Wash ‘em off, the memories  
Tear ‘em out and  
And and and and and and

The most I could do with leaving myself the sole victim was this, tearing skin away, bleeding down the backs of my hands from too-deep tears on all ten of my fingers.

And on the count of three, you need to get out  
One, two, oh, you sure convinced me  
I don’t want the infection spreading  
Oh my god, you’re crying again

Tears mixed in with the blood, leaving the cuts burning more than before.

Pull ‘em out  
Tear ‘em out  
Pull ‘em out  
Tear ‘em out

I couldn't quite bring myself to care but I did stop biting.

Your hands in my mouth  
One, two, one, two  
They never came out  
Oh, your hands in my mouth  
One, two, one, two  
THEY NEVER CAME OUT

I didn't wipe off the blood, only the tears from my face.

I realize, before my eyes  
A situation irreversible  
And my demise is unavoidable  
There’s gotta be something more  
Just tell me now, it’s over now  
Be honest now, I don’t mind  
Just tell me now, it’s over now  
Be honest now, I don’t mind

I felt crimson swipe across my face as water got pushed away, staining that surface too.

Your hands in my mouth  
One, two, one, two  
They never came out  
Your hands in my mouth  
One, two, one, two  
They never came out

The tears flowing out slowed.

And on the count of three, you need to get out  
One, two, oh, you sure convinced me  
I don’t want the infection spreading  
Oh my god, you’re laughing again

The blood did not.

And on the count of three, I need to get out  
Two, three, oh, there’s nothing left here  
I don’t want my infection spreading  
Oh my god, I’m crying again

It never did, never stopped flowing through me and keeping me alive.

Pull ‘em out and  
And and  
Wash ‘em off, the memories  
Tear ‘em out and  
And and  
Make up for forgotten years

 

I wish it did.


	9. Chapter Nine

Timothy

When I saw Will the next morning out of the attic window he went straight to the little garden his house had. It seemed that his hands were bandaged but that might've just been the distance I was seeing him at. I drug my eyes away and tried to start playing something but my mind felt like all the scores and note I'd studied over the years abandoned me and I couldn't recall a single thing. It was strange but also not the first time it had happened. As I had the times before I simply pushed away from the instrument and hoped that sometime during the day the lost music returned to me.

I went down to my room to text Safu but suddenly I remembered that she had her soulmate. It reminded me again of how much of an abnormality I was. How I shouldn't quite exist. I didn't really mind though. It made me unique even if no one knew about it. I had long since gotten over my long-lost soulmate. If I was destined to I'd meet them but that wasn't now and I was okay with that.

I went to the bathroom after to take out and clean my earrings and such, leaving them to soak in rubbing alcohol as I was told to. It was a boring task but I had nothing better to do. I traded the jewelry now being cleaned with a different matching black set that I didn't wear much. I didn't really like them that much but I wore them every so often to change things up because why not?

When I was done eating and getting dressed and mundane chores were finished I went down the two flights of stairs to sit in the big maple tree. William was outside as per usual but something was different. It sounded as if he were listening to music. It sounded completely digital but then I heard a human voice singing. Whatever that song was ended and a new one started, probably of the same genre.

It started with an honest little crush  
Boy I didn't know what I was in for  
And I didn't think it'd amount to much  
Oh Baby, You left me wanting more

His voice wasn't that bad, if that was him. I hopped onto my usual branch with some distracted difficulty. Scratch that first thing, he had a voice as nice as his face. Oh boy, that's gay. But I wasn't attracted to him to that's okay. Just complimenting a dude's face. Platonically.

And I'm repulsed by the way  
You keep me hooked on this game  
I don't know what to do...  
I'm hypnotized by the way  
you always know what to say  
I can't live without you...

I don't know if I was just delusional or what but he sounded like he connected with the song. Actually sang with emotion but maybe that was just a trait of a good musician, always able to throw emotion in.

I can't speak I can't breathe I'm hanging on by a thread  
I've lost all sensibility You've bewitched me I'm obsessed  
I can't speak I can't think I feel I'm losing my head  
Oh you've got me addicted

I didn't mind the song even though my mom would probably say it sounded like gerbils on helium. She's funny like that.

I didn't know that we'd end up this way  
I've shut out the whole world that's around me  
And I fear what would happen if I stay  
Oh Baby, this isn't Healthy

He really was a good singer. I don't know if it was just because he had that kind of voice but I started to feel as if I'd heard it before.

And I'm repulsed by the way  
You keep me hooked on this game  
I don't know what to do...  
I'm hypnotized by the way  
you always know what to say  
I can't live without you...

The more I listened the more familiar it became. I slid down from the tree to creep silently over to the swings where I'd still be almost hidden unless he came up to the fence.

I can't speak I can't breathe I'm hanging on by a thread  
I've lost all sensibility You've bewitched me I'm obsessed  
I can't speak I can't think I feel I'm losing my head  
Oh you've got me addicted

Finally I remembered where I had heard the voice. He was the one singing I Don't Care at the party really well. I had started singing then as well but I knew I couldn't carry a tune and my drunken mind decided to stop.

I can't move now 'cause you're holding me down  
And I can't see any way to get out  
I can't speak now though I'm trying to shout  
it all out so I'll be found

I had given Will the rest of my drink that night.

Cause oh I'm repulsed by the way  
You keep me hooked on this game  
I can't live without you...

I told him it was soda. I think. I don't remember for sure.

I can't speak I can't breathe I'm hanging on by a thread  
I've lost all sensibility-

"Shit."

The singing faltered.

Then began again.

-itched me I'm obsessed  
I can't speak I can't think I feel I'm losing my head  
Oh you've got me repeating what I've said

I let out a silent sigh of relief, I would've killed someone if he had stopped singing.

I can't speak I can't breathe I'm hanging on by a thread  
I've lost all sensibility You've bewitched me I'm obsessed  
I can't speak I can't think I feel I'm losing my head  
Oh you've got me addicted  
I'm addicted

Then he did. The song ended. I found myself clapping and he came over slowly to the fence, blushing at the grass. "Not half bad."

"Thanks." was the mumbled response.

"What song was that?" I tried again.

A pause.

"Addicted."

I nodded, "cool." I pushed myself into a gentle beginning swing with my feet. "So-" I trailed off.

"I'm not a girl." He said suddenly, glaring at me now with a pink still tinting his cheeks.

"Excuse me?" Why would he say that? I never said he was.

"The party. You-" he took a breath, glare hardening. "I- you know what, never mind." And he turned around and left the white fence. I sat there puzzled. I never said he was a girl. What about the party? What was I missing?

After I heard the door to his house slam I picked my puzzled ass up off the swing and hopped the fence in the direction of the main road. It was still early-ish morning but the cafe would be open. Dodici opened pretty early and I was friends with one of the owners, Lorraine. Sometime I volunteered there and was thinking of applying for a job. A seventeen year old should have a job. Anyway, right then I just wanted to think things over and figure shit out.

I hadn't even made it to the little café when I realized what he had meant. As soon as I did I turned right around and sprinted my ass back home.

"I'm not a girl."

The party.

"I'm not a girl."

I kissed him.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N- thoughts of suicide. I'll mark where it ends and you can skip to that or skip the chapter.

William

I wanted to die again. My hands were still fucked up from my outburst and I hated myself for that. I hated myself in general. After I had come to my senses and asked Raymond finally who it was I made out with obviously he didn't answer. I had to beg. He made me beg. Then I wished I hadn't. His answer hadn't made my body freeze quite fittingly. "Jack Frost" he had said. Anderson. The little Nordic Straight Boy One.

And then there I was. I sat on my freshly washed sheets in complete silence. I had told him. I wanted to actually die. No one would see it coming. They'd all mourn and think they could've done something about it but the truth is, you can't save someone who doesn't want saving. I didn't want saving. Don't get me wrong though, I was happy to know I had kissed Timothy. Just not so happy that he was drunk out of his kind and it meant nothing. To clarify, I didn't want to die because of him. That almost gave my will to live back.

I wanted to die because there was no reason for me to be alive. There was no one there for me. My grandma was going to probably keel over and die soon. No pets. One friend. No parents.

One friend.

Raymond wouldn't care what had happened. I mean, he would but not much. I knew he wouldn't. Sure at first he'd think he could've done more to stop me to prevent me from taking my own life. Everyone always thinks that. People I had passed in the halls every day without knowing their names. They'd think they could've stopped me too but as I've said, you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. It's an impossible task. Without will there is no way. You can't force it, that'd only make it worse. So much worse.

What's the best way to commit suicide?

OD? Too unreliable. Would have to have precise pills and dosage. Never mind the fact it could take a while and your body might throw up the pills before they'd done their work.

Cutting? Too messy. Too smelly. Too horrific for the finder of your deceased body. Painful also. To die smelling the metallic stench of your life flowing out of you, no thanks.

Jumping? Probably cleanest. Easiest to rid the left over corpse from the scene. If your high enough it's pretty reliable too.

Hanging? If you don't die of your neck snapping then you'll surely die from oxygen deprivation. Doesn't seem like a very good plan to me but it's practically fail-proof.

All the suicide ways wouldn't help. I couldn't kill myself. Not when it brings pain to others. Forcing my pain tenfold onto others even for a short time would reject my entire worthless life thus far. I couldn't do that. That was one of the only tiny things I lived for and by. I couldn't fail it. No way.

*-------------* A/N- okay we done

Whatever I was going to do though was interrupted terribly by my ass of a best friend calling me. The Doctor Who theme I had set as his ringtone crossed the room and destroyed my self-loathing mood. I buried my head in my hands for only a moment before reaching to the floor beside my bed to grab the useless blue phone. I flipped it open and answered just as the ringing stopped. I cursed aloud something I shouldn't have and felt glad for a split second moment that I didn't have any younger siblings to watch my language for.

I contemplated calling back but before I had the chance to make the decision it was made for me as the idiot himself did. Doctor Who rang out again and I pressed the green send button to pick up as soon as it did. I slowly put the speaker up to my ear and breathed out a surprisingly steady, "yes?"

"Oh good. You're there. I was concerned a little by the way you totally hang up when I finally told you." Raymond said as greeting. I grit my teeth and swallowed back a comment.

"Did you need something?" I finally settled on asking. My heart rate was going down and steadying finally. I literally kicked myself for thinking about ending my life after something so retarded and trivial.

"Yeah. You're coming to another damn party with me and you can't reject this invite. Don't worry though, no booze or drugs. Completely good. Some guy named Damien's soulmate party. It'll be fun." It was never fun. I knew I shouldn't trust this guy I called a friend on this but I did anyway.

"Sure, sure. Have to wear anything fancy?" I asked. I hoped I didn't, I only had an old tux that used to be my dad's and I really didn't want to wear that.

"Nah, just something clean and not skinny jeans." I scowled. There goes a good chunk of my choices. I hadn't done laundry in a while, too lazy.

I groaned, "okay, whatever. What time and where?" He wasn't giving me a choice I knew. It was just as he said, I couldn't reject it. He wouldn't let me. He was always saying how I wasn't social enough or something. He also complained about how most of my daily clothing came from Hot Topic so I didn't really listen to him.

"I'll come get you since you have no idea where anything is around here," a lie, I'd lived there 17 years, "and be ready by 7:00. It starts at 9:00 but I know you won't be presentable."

"Sometimes I forget I'm the gay friend and not you." I respond dryly. He laughed in reply and ended the call. Oh man I kinda hated that kid. Actually, that's a lie. He was the only friend I'd had really since I had gone to Lincoln, the middle school, in 4th grade. In 4th grade the boy, Donovan, I'd liked had found his soulmate. She was a bratty blonde girl named Lindsey who was obsessed with Harry Potter and moved from Colorado. She had taken the boy I thought was perfect at the time. Funny, blond, great smile. She didn't even like him, thought he was annoying. Honestly, a lot of us boys were at that age.

I sighed myself out of memory land and stood up, checking the clock on my desk. 12:00 noon. Another sigh.

"Fuck, this is gonna be a long day."

\---

It was a long day. I went out back to read several times but Straight Boy One was nowhere to be found. Must've scared him away. Finally when it was seven though I heard Raymond's old Buick car horn. I trudged slowly to the old silver car and he got out and looked me up and down. I was wearing normal blue jeans for once and a Fall Out Boy shirt. He sighed and shook his head, "you're not wearing torn up Vans. I know you have Converse, go get them."

I glared at him in the waning light. "I don't want to." I protested stubbornly. He stared me down for a few more seconds before walking past me and tugging my sleeve, dragging me back into my house. "Stop it!" I whined, trying to pull my arm away but to no success. There was no getting away from it. My busted Vans drug along the ground as I stumbled to keep up with his speed-walking up the stairs to my room. He shoved me onto my bed and I glared at him again.

"Where are they?" he demanded, looking in basically every corner.

"My Vans are just fine. I don't need Converse, shut up. That just adds to an emo look, you know." He kept looking.

"I now, I don't care. At least they're in one piece." He found them under my dresser. "Ah, here we go." He chucked them at me.

"Asshole." I muttered, kicking off my shoes before tugging on the black Converse replacements. I tied them quickly and stood up. "Anything else I need to change?" I asked sarcastically, doing a little turn.

He laughed, "no, that'll do. For now." I groaned. "Just kidding, just kidding. You're fine man. What happened to your hands though, why all the scratches?"

I shook my head and left the room, "nothing, it's fine." I could practically hear him shake his head as he followed behind me. "Anyway, we have like two hours. What do we do?"

"Get food," he said simply. "Get in the car, we're going to the grand McDonalds.


	11. Chapter Eleven

William

He said there wouldn't be booze so what was stinging my throat going down as I stood in Safu's soulmate's yard? Raymond either lied to me or didn't know but I figured I didn't care. I didn't mind alcohol but I wouldn't be getting drunk again so soon. I only drank a little and Timothy wasn't there. In the end I found myself at a shitty karaoke on Damien's Apple TV singing Nothing by The Script. I liked the song, it was nice and repeatable without having something to actually relate to. It was just that kind of song. That song was someone else's pick though and they wanted to duet with someone and they had drunkenly picked me even though the song wasn't a duet. I didn't turn them down, obviously. They let me pick the next song after clapping hysterically at my voice. I picked Sound Of Madness by Shinedown.

Some drunk idiots crowded the room because oh my goodness, someone who could carry a tune was taking a turn. After that song I left the room. It was around midnight and I wanted to find Raymond and leave. I'd said congrats to Damien as soon as I saw him so that wasn't in the way of anything. I just really wanted to leave. I found out his soulmate was Safu and they found each other just before the party in which I kissed Anderson.

Made me feel awful knowing I wasn't only a drunk mistake but I was also used because he had just been dumped. What fun.

I kinda wanted to use him like he used me but it wouldn't work that way. It would only work if he had any sort of attraction to me, which he didn't. He was Straight Boy One for a reason.

"William." Raymond. "William, let's go."

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I was just coming to find you. Let's go." I was okay but was he a little drunk? Probably but he'd be fine. "Want me to drive?" I offered anyway. I hadn't had much, only a bit. It'd be fine.

And so I drove. No one died, no one was injured but I did end up staying at Raymond's house for the night.

His couch wasn't as bad as I remembered it.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Timothy

Over the past day I had been thinking about the kiss. As soon as I had figured out it was Will I had kissed I couldn't stop thinking about it. It didn't help that it had come back in full clarity. It didn't help that I could remember his tongue coming out to touch at my piercings. None of it helped and it wasn't fair. There was a worse part there though.

I could no longer even pretend to myself that I was straight.

I was so completely gay for that idiot of a boy and I had no idea what to do. I hadn't even seen him since that riddle meaning "hey, we kissed" and then his hands had been bandaged. I wondered if they still were. I had no one to talk to about my predicament, my only friend had been Safu and she was busy being soulmates with that loser Damien. Because of that I had to deal with my indecent thoughts about the boy who lived behind me without telling anyone.

"TIMOTHY!!!" a voice called from downstairs. It was a high-pitched little girl voice. Stupid Saraen, I didn't want to deal with her. She yelled again and I couldn't ignore her. I groaned and left my room to trudge down the hall and stairs where she waited by the front door.

"What do you want?" I asked. Gah, she was annoying.

"Can you drive me to Megan's? Mom already said I could go but she can't drive me so pleeaaase?" She did stupid little kid puppy eyes at me after saying it. Damn her.

"Fine, let me get my keys and shoes," I agreed reluctantly before jogging back up to my room to pull on my shoes and grab the keys to my too old car. When I returned she was already out the door, jumping up and down next to said car with her long blonde hair bouncing with her. I pushed open the screen door and unlocked the car. "Get in, Saraen."

She jumped into the back seat, "thanks!"

Sometimes I really hated her.

I put on the pop station to drown out her jabbering as we drove. My mind tuned out the auto-tuned crap and wandered to Will. I remembered when a few days prior I called him Will while talking about Percy Jackson and he ran with tears in his eyes. I had wondered then what that was about but then again I figured I didn't care. Even though I did. I didn't want him to cry. I didn't want him to hurt either. I didn't want to hurt him. He didn't deserve to hurt. He should be told that. He should also be told he has the most beautiful eyes and hair and just all of his being is perfect.

"-mothy! Timothy stop! You passed it!"

"Shit- sorry." I made a u-turn and dropped her off right, shaking my head. I really was a massive mess. It was all William's fault.

My mind was so muddled with just him and I couldn't focus on anything at all. It was awful and pleasant all at the same time. It was weird, really. I'd never really felt this, I don't know, distracted by someone before. Not even when I was with Safu. I was pretty attached to that girl but with Will it was different. Less like a desperate attachment and more like an almost love. Of course, I wasn't sure what love even was so I couldn't say for sure. I didn't even really know the damn kid.

I really was a pretty big mess.

I figured I should probably tell him that I guess I had a crush on him but that'd be weird. I mean, I knew he was gay but that does not mean by any length that he somehow out of all people fell for me so...

We did kiss but it was a drunk kiss that probably meant nothing in the wide scheme of things. Some part of me not so deep down wished it had meant something and wanted to do it again sober. And then I was just parked in an alleyway across from my house imagining kissing that idiot boy. He was a few inches taller than me and my mind loved that fact for some unknown reason. It like focused solely on that little detail in its scenarios.

I shook my head as if to clear it before driving from the alley into my driveway and parking there. I got out after taking the key out of the ignition and shoved them in my pocket before walking into my backyard to sit in the tree and let my mind take over once again.

We were sitting together in the tree in my mindscape, talking about something or other.

Whatever it was, it didn't really matter, the chatting ended quickly anyway once I decided to pull him gently closer from the other branch and kiss him. His lips felt so real in my imagination, warm. It was nice even though it was a short kiss and nothing like the one at the party what seemed like forever ago. Too long ago. My imagination broke, completely faulted out complete with me falling out of the tree, William was legitimately calling my name in the real world, standing at the fence.

"You okay there?" He asked, sounding amused. I had hit my head on the tree trunk on the way down and so I stood up cautiously.

"I suppose so... want to come over the fence?" I asked. It wasn't right for him to be standing the whole time. As it was I was moving to sit on one of the two swings.

He nodded, "sure," then he climbed over easily. Fucking height. Honestly.

"How tall are you?" I asked before I realized I was going to.

He looked a bit surprised for a split second before, "five ten." Fuck. "You?"

"Um-" how tall was I again? "Five seven." Shit, right. I watched his face and he covered his mouth to badly hide his amused smile as he sat down on the other swing.

"You're short." he said, stating the obvious.

"Shut up." I replied with instead of something like, 'you're hot' because that's not socially acceptable and has nothing to do with the conversation that was going on. I really wanted to tell him but no. No. Not yet, maybe never. I hoped at some point I'd tell him but eh. Maybe someday. I started swinging a little bit, doing what the thing I was seated upon was actually for. "I'm hardly shorter than you."

He hummed a little, "whatever. Three inches is a pretty big difference." I snorted. His face flushed mildly and it was adorable, "I mean height what the fuck but that's a big difference too." His face calmed down. "Anyway, Shorty, you into music?"

A frown and a grin battled on my face, the grin winning out. "First off, don't call me Shorty and second, yes. Mainly alternate rock and classical, I play piano."

"Really, piano? So that's who I hear sometimes..." he mused.

"Ha, yeah probably. My little sister, Saraen, plays violin."

He nodded, "musically talented family it seems."

"You seem to be pretty musically talented yourself, you sing great." Because fuck grammar. No one cares about grammar. Not me anyway, I only cared about the light spring breeze that was pushing that boy's hair back and forth gently.

Our peaceful small talk shit was interrupted by a Doctor Who theme coming from Will's pocket. I didn't notice it at first because I was busy staring at all the small movements he made like in either a horror movie or some cheesy romance. He pulled out his blue flip phone and glared at it. As he accepted the call reluctantly and started talking I noticed for the first time how green his eyes were. Like, they were hazel but more green than brown. There was a green-brown around the inner edges and it just progressively got greener as it went out. Pretty. I liked them. Why was everything about him so pretty? Even his glare was beautiful.

But maybe I was just a masochist. Who knows? Either way, he was nice to look at, really nice to look at. If I could lie to myself before I couldn't in the slightest now, I was so utterly gay for this boy and I really hoped he was for me too.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

William

When Raymond called my in the middle of my actual conversation with Timothy I was both super pissed and relived at the same time. I was so god damn nervous, he kept staring at me and I just wanted to swing myself the foot and a half to him and kiss him. I couldn't tell if he thought I was weird or what but as long as we kept talking I didn't mind much. "What do you want, Raymond?"

"Dang, you sound pissed. Anyway, wanna hang out at my place later?" I could've killed this boy. He had no idea what he was interrupting. I ran my free hand through my hair before sighing in frustration.

"No, I don't. I'm busy." I prayed my dumb face didn't heat up like my mind was telling it to with the sudden realization that the statement might've sounded weird to the incredibly attractive boy sitting beside me.

"Busy? With what?" He sounded so confused, as if I couldn't possibly have something to do.

"Stuff. Bye." And then with that smooth conversation ender, I hung up and shoved my phone back into my pocket. I turned to look at Timothy, "sorry about that," I apologized, punctuating it with an awkward laugh. "Anyway, what were we talking about?" I tried to keep the annoyance I was feeling from Raymond's call both out of my voice and off of my face.

"Uh- um-" he seemed to blink himself out of a trance and if I didn't know better I'd say he looked a tad flustered for some reason. Not just that but I didn't recall ever seeing the grand Straight Boy One stutter around like that. I gave him a raised eyebrow and my best neutral face because hey, I was known for a resting bitch face and didn't want to fail the expectations now (see: not wanting to smile like an idiot like my body was telling me to). "Music." he said finally. "You have a nice voice."

It wasn't the first time I'd heard that by any means but for some reason coming from him it made my face heat up rather embarrassingly. I hoped it wasn't too obvious and I started swinging a little to try and hide it. "Thanks. My... mom put me in lessons when I was younger." I inhaled sharply at the memory of my mother and hoped Timothy didn't notice. If he did, he didn't say anything about it and I couldn't see anything on his face reflecting it, he was just smiling softly. I let the slow swinging I had started come to a stop and looked at him.

He stood up and stretched his arms in a yawn and his shirt rode up some so I could see a sliver of skin. My breath caught and I found myself staring. Back to the cliches, fun. I pulled my eyes away and felt my face heat once again as it had not even a minute before.

"Well they were sure worth it." I looked up to him where he was now taller than be because I was sitting and he was not. After a split second of confusion I remembered we were talking about my singing.

"Ah- yeah, I guess they were." Because they got you to compliment me. "You said you played piano, right? Maybe we could put something together someday." His pretty face lit up at the possibility and his smile wasn't the usual playful smirk he used.

"Really? That'd be great! We could start today!" He spoke with the excitement of a child and it was adorable. "I mean- if you're not busy-"

"Nah, I'm not busy. Lead to the piano?" He nodded excitedly without words and drug me off the swing by my wrist in through a door and through a storage type room to the kitchen area. Where he touched set an odd shock through me that made me slightly nervous and more embarrassed. As we entered a maroon painted room with a large table he dropped my arm and I couldn't help but be a little disappointed. We went through another large entryway into what I assumed was the living room. It was painted an off white and had a fireplace built into the wall. There were two glass doors a little past the fireplace that seemingly lead to an office but we walked past all that into the front entryway which had stairs leading up to the second floor. Halfway up there was a small square landing that lead us left and up a few more stairs. I almost tripped from nervousness but luckily caught myself, that was almost embarrassing.

We were in the hall at the top of the stairs when he spoke, "the piano's in the attic, just over here." He was walking beside me and before we got to the end of the hall he pulled me into a bathroom and I was just a tad confused.

"Why are we-" I started quietly, mouth shutting as he pulled open an almost heavy looking door that lead to curving carpeted stairs.

He smiled at me, "come on!" then disappeared pounding up the stairs. I shook my head with a small smile at his obvious excitement and followed more slowly, quieter. I closed the door because I expected no one going to the bathroom would want someone walking in on them. I wondered idly if that happened often. When I got to the top of the stairs a huge room greeted me. There was basically nothing in the attic and the chimney for the fireplace on the first floor cut through the middle, a large brick pillar. I couldn't see Timothy or the piano so I walked farther in slowly. There were three music stands in one little yellow painted subsection with a violin sized case setting beside a stand with various sheets of music on it. Opposite to that section was a pink painted section with a heavy slant from the roof going all the way through the area. I walked around the chimney and a wider, very tall light blue painted are was. There was a remote in a holder on the wall which I assumed went to the fan above me from the symbols on it. The piano and Timothy were at the end of the room in front of a window overlooking the 'major' street of our town. From where the instrument was I was confused momentarily as to how I could hear it some days from my backyard when it was all the way on the other side of his house but then I saw wheels and figured that he could move it where ever. It made sense for him to want it on the other side sometimes, the window box air conditioner was over there.

"Big room." I said stupidly. A harsh mental facepalm accompanied the statement. He just chuckled and sat on the piano bench with his back to me.

He glanced back at me and patted the bench beside him, "sit down, Will." He turned back to the keys before he saw me flinch at the name. It wasn't as bad coming from him this time for some reason, his voice made it sound right, I don't know. Anyway, I sat down beside him and my body was practically buzzing from the proximity. He turned and grinned at me and I couldn't help but stare at the black studs he had jabbed into his lip instead of the usual small hoops. "What were you thinking? Cover? Original?" His voice made me drag my sight up to his eyes instead and I shrugged.

"Probably cover, I can't write lyrics for shit. What do you know?"

His grin turned into a sheepish smile. "I've kinda been obsessed with My Chemical Romance recently, especially Cancer," he admitted and I smiled a bit. I knew some MCR songs but I hadn't heard Cancer.

"So you wanna do that one then?" He nodded.

"I have the music already printed out because I was going to learn it either way but this is better!" He was such a nerd. He opened a beaten up blue folder and searched through to find five pages of music labeled "My Chemical Romance - Cancer" and I had no idea what was going on. I remembered how to read sheet music kind of but yikes, pianos seemed way too complex for me. "Oh-" he paused in his motions and glanced over at me, "are you okay with this song?"

"Yeah, I haven't heard it before but I'm sure I can learn it." At my words he pulled out his smartphone and went into the music app. After that from the angle I couldn't see. A few moments later a piano line was heard from the speakers and the lead singer, Gerard something, started singing. It was a rather short but sad song. When it ended he handed me the phone.

"You can sit somewhere in the room and listen to it if you want to learn it like that. I could pull up some lyrics too if you wanted." He still looked so excited and adorable and I couldn't bear to sit by him anymore without giving in to the urge to press my mouth against his so instead I stood with his phone.

"It's cool, I'm sure I can figure it out. Thanks, Timothy." I said before smiling for a split second and turning away to sit in the open area of the pink section. I heard him slowly start to play the piano, starting over every so often. I pressed the play button and closed my eyes, listening.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

William

The day after, both Timothy and I had miraculously perfected our parts and we put them together. I sat beside him on the bench while he played and I sang. At first I was a tad nervous for him to hear me but in the end it was fine and we sounded great. After about the third time, Timothy suggested something.

"We should put this on YouTube."

I blinked once.

Twice.

"That sounds great, sure." Why did I agree? Because the childlike glee was back on his face and I couldn't say no to that.

Completely unrelated, I nearly kissed him right then.

"Cool! Great! Okay, we'll record it on my phone, that okay?" I nodded and got a grin in response. He pulled out his phone as he had yesterday and pulled up the camera. The red record button stared at me as he set it up on the piano music holder thing whatever it is. "You cool with your face being shown?"

I shrugged. "Sure, why not?" I got up from the bench and stood up behind him in a way I could still be seen in the camera because everyone knows you're supposed to stand when you sing, it sounds better or something, I forgot the reasoning behind it.

"Ready?"

I nodded.

He hit the aforementioned button and took a breath before starting to play. I joined him shortly after.

Turn away  
If you could get me a drink  
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded

I could feel the notes vibrating in my chest and I closed my eyes.

Help her gather all my things  
And bury me in all my favorite colors  
My sisters and my brothers

I nearly forgot the words and if I had I would've probably killed myself, the song had hardly started for crying out loud.

Still  
I will not kiss you  
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

I counted carefully here to be sure not to sing early.

Now turn away  
'Cause I'm awful just to see  
'Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body  
Oh, my agony

I found myself smiling while I sang despite the song content.

Know that I will never marry  
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo  
But counting down the days to go

I started swaying gently to the piano beyond my control, I didn't really care.

It just ain't living  
And I just hope you know  
That if you say  
Goodbye today  
I'd ask you to be true

I was happy. I found someone who made me happy.

'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you  
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

The last note ended and I opened my eyes to see Anderson leaning to stop the recording. He picked up the phone and patted beside him on the bench. "Let's watch it, yeah?"

I grinned, "yeah." I sat myself beside him and he went and pressed the play button. It was odd hearing myself on the recording but it didn't sound bad, just different. After it finished Timothy looked at me and smiled.

"YouTube quality, I'd say. You have a channel?" I shook my head. "Well I don't have one either, guess we'll have to make one. I have a spare email address. Let's go to my room to set it up, my computer's in there."

I nodded but alarm bells were going off in my head, I'd never been in his room. This was my second time here but I'd never been in his room and I didn't know what to expect. It made me nervous. "Lead the way." I said with a rather blank expression before standing up. He got up after me and walked to and down the stairs. We passed the mirrors in the bathroom and I glanced over to find my hair was pretty bad, more strands than usual sticking up in odd places. I smoothed it down as fast as I could before hurrying to follow the blond.

His room was the first door once you took a left and it was pretty small, or at least it looked it. Can't really call a room with a giant bed 'small' it just doesn't work. He went to sit at his desk where his laptop was located. I stood off to the side of the chair and rethought my adjective because this room held way more than mine did and I had an XL twin bed.

Timothy went to an already open tab of YouTube dot com and I saw Hyperdontia on the screen. I grinned a little at the fact he was actually listening to vocaloid but then I got a little embarrassed, was he listening to it because of me or just he liked what I was listening to that day? I shook my head to clear the thoughts from my mind as he set up the account.

"What shall we name our channel?" Our channel then. Neat.

"I have no idea, Jack Frost. Your pick." My face heated up as soon as I realized I had called him that dumb nickname.

His head snapped around to look at me, "what?"

Shit.

"I mean-"

Fuck.

He snorted a laugh and my face got warmer. "Jack Frost? Really?"

I brought my hands up to my face and hid behind them, "shut up."

How could he not know I had a dumbass crush on him now?

God I fucked up.

It was probably just my imagination thinking up the tinge of pink on his cheeks, I already had discovered my mind wasn't reliable enough for anything concerning him. Nicknames were spoken and my imagination was far too overactive for its own good. He probably thought I was weird or fucked up or something and was going to delete that cover we did and try to forget it ever happened.

But then his face changed.

A huge grin spread across his face and lit up to room to the point where artificial lighting held no use.

I didn't mean to kiss him, I really didn't.

It wasn't my intention but it happened.

He just looked so damn cute sitting there in his chair with his smile all wide and innocent while teasing at the same time.

It wasn't my fault.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Timothy

One second I was grinning, about to tease Will on his choice of a nickname and the next said boy's mouth was against mine and we were kissing. It was a little embarrassing how fast I reacted to the electricity that was his touch and I hoped he didn't notice. One of his hands rested on my cheek while the other found a place in my hair. My own hands were still set on my lap but only for a moment before my arms wrapped loosely around his neck. I wanted to draw him closer but from the angle he was already standing at he would fall on me and that'd ruin everything.

I hadn't even been aware of my own want for this until it happened and I felt sort of relieved almost, maybe. I wasn't the best at words especially since my brain had short circuited. Somewhere along the way my eyes had fluttered closed and I was biting at his bottom lip softly. I heard a whimper of sound before he let my tongue pass between his lips. He pressed back with his own shortly and I shivered, electricity spiking down my spine.

Suddenly he yanked back, startled at himself it seemed. My arms dropped back onto my lap and I stared blankly with recently opened eyes. His blush is satisfying to see, a shade of red from the tips of his ears and down his neck. I can feel the heat on my own face though and I'm sure I'm about the same. He stutters out a, "sorry-" then, "gomen-" then, quieter in a lower tone that I'm sure I wasn't meant to hear, "why am I such a fuck-up?" After he said all of this he bolted out of my room and I heard his footstep fades down the halls until there was silence. I didn't know what the second thing he said even was, it didn't sound English.

After the haze that came from a great kiss wore off I started to think more clearly. Why did he leave like that? Did he think I didn't have a giant gay crush on him? Did this mean he had a crush on me?

I shook my head as if to clear it before swiveling my chair back to face the computer once again. I opened a separate YouTube tab to listen to Hyperdontia as I worked on the first. I set up the new channel and our first video was posted within an hour.

Cancer [cover]  
Frosdi Angel

Frosdi Angel was a sort of pun. It included both of us, my part being Frosdi and his being the Angel (also the di from frosdi). Frosdi sounded more or less the same as Frosty, from Frost when I found out he called me Jack Frost. (di) Angel was pulled up from the conversation we had a few days prior about the Percy Jackson books when he said his favorite character used to be Nico di Angelo. But even that had a second meaning. Di Angel(o) in Italian meant 'angel' (said it in the Heroes Of Olympus series, can't remember which book) and that's exactly what Will was, albeit with a foul vocabulary. He was an angel, a definite angel.

After I posted the video I realized I had absolutely nothing to do. No homework, no nothing. I just had time. For what? I had nothing to do. If I had time with nothing to do then it would inevitably lead to a complete and total mental collapse over what had happened no so long ago with William.

All of that was interrupted anyway a little while later when the downstairs front door slammed shut and a voice that belonged only to my mother rang up the stairs, "Timothy! Help with dinner!"

I groaned and got off my ass, hardly remembering to shove my phone in my pocket before I left my bedroom. I made my way quickly down the dark laminate hall and nearly tripped my way down the stairs. I made my way from there to the kitchen slowly, sighing. The memories of the day swirled in my head uncontrollably, from making the video and seeing the happiness on his face as he sang to him running out after we basically, if not actually, made out. Like, what? I mean, I liked it and it was better than the first time both because I could actually remember it and because neither of us were under the influence of alcohol this time.

When I got to the kitchen my thoughts stopped because my mom started yelling at me, "where's your sister?!"

I sighed a long sigh. Saraen had called yesterday and told my mom directly that she would be staying the night with her friend, Megan. My mom had agreed to this arrangement and said she herself would pick Saraen up today. This wasn't uncommon for my mom to forget, though. "You have to pick her up. She's at Megan's, remember?"

Boy, forgetful parents sure were fun. I didn't even know where my dad, Erik, was. Probably at work or the cafe, I don't know. I didn't pay much attention to the other residents of the house other than the fact that Saraen's clothing didn't match and she should probably get all matching outfits so she didn't have to try and struggle with the colour she couldn't see.

"Dang it, you're right-" she muttered. "You make dinner, I was going to make you help me but you're doing it on your own. Don't burn the house down, please. Just make the freaking pasta I bought, I believe in you. Don't do anything extra, please."

"Okay mom, geez. Go get your daughter already." I replied whist shaking my head. Okay, here's where I admit I'm probably the worst cook you'll ever here of in your life. I actually, legitimately burnt water. I don't know how on Earth I did it but somehow I managed.

Okay, no that was a lie. I wasn't that bad but I had ruined most of a set of pots trying to cook. I was still pretty bad. Very bad. Oops.

Despite that, I filled a pot halfway with water and started making the food as directed. It was just simple bowtie noodles and I hoped my mom would be back soon enough so that she could make what she was intending to because this obviously wasn't it. She was probably going to add chicken or something to it you know, fancy stuff.

As I was waiting for the water to boil I started scrolling through my phone and suddenly remembered the fact that Will and I had exchanged numbers the day before. I started typing out a text to him.

"heyy i posted it"

I waited a little before I tapped the send button. I wasn't sure if he'd be okay to talk after what had happened like two hours prior.

The water was finally boiling and so I poured noodles into the way hot water slowly as to not let it splash on me. It did anyway and I cursed right as my phone vibrated on the counter where I had set it. I picked it up and saw it was a response from Will already, I was glad he wasn't avoiding me. That would've been bad. Like, really bad. Like, no thanks bad.

"Oh, okay. What's the channel name"

I sucked in a breath before stirring the food with one hand and texting with the other.

"oh its frission angelo"  
"i mean frosdi angel"

I waited around a bit with no response and before he texted back my mom arrived back with the chattering of a little girl following her as she entered the kitchen. As the woman entered she put on a dramatic show of looking around the kitchen, "you're alive! Everything's intact!" She then proceeded to pretend to faint backwards and I laughed a little at her silly display.

"Yes, yes. I'm alive, a miracle." I replied, trying to come out sounding dry but even I could hear the amusement lacing the words. "Care to take over so that it stays that way?" She agreed and I grinned and thanked her before going up to my room to think.

Thinking would be the death of me someday.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

William

After I had kissed that attractive boy and ran off I had curled up on my bed and frantically texted Raymond about what had happened. He had told me to calm down several times but it didn't work, which is why I ended up chucking my phone off to the side, onto my floor and dragging my laptop onto my bed to read various fanfictions. There were no updates on any I had been reading and just as I was about to put in a search my dumb blue phone started buzzing a text tone on my floor. I groaned and shoved my computer away before practically rolling off my bed onto the floor to retrieve my cellular device.

"heyy i posted it"

I hadn't added him to contacts but as soon as I realized this could only come from Timothy my stomach did an odd flip and I felt momentarily sick. He still posted the cover even after I did that weird as fuck thing called kissing him. I closed my eyes a moment before responding.

"Oh, okay. What's the channel name"

I nearly typed "that's" instead of "what's". I was completely stable haha yeah no. Not even a minute later he responded again.

"oh its frission angelo"

As I was about to respond to it a buzzing alerted me to another message, causing me to back out of my response to check the new one.

"i mean frosdi angel"

What the? "Frosdi angel?" I murmured aloud, hearing it then. "Frosty angel, really?" I looked at it again.

Di angel.

I started laughing, like really laughing. The puns in our channel name were strong and I momentarily forgot about the earlier events to jump back onto my bed and type "frosdi angel cancer" into a YouTube search and watched it.

It was fabulous.

Halfway through my fifth listen (I was only listening for his piano playing at that point) my phone buzzed and I lazily picked it up and opened the message, written this time in English, capitalization and all.

"Meet me at the big tree in front of Lincoln tomorrow, okay? Around 7pm."

My breath hitched and my fingers hovered over worn buttons before sending a wary agreement in return. My mind wondered what he could possibly on any planet want with me after I had pulled that stunt. Maybe he wanted to talk to me about it. That would be the absolute worst, I hoped it wasn't that.

I turned off my phone after that and despite not having eaten or changed out of jeans, I shut my laptop lid and allowed myself to sleep early, dreaming of less than innocent things that I'd be ashamed of if I were awake.

\---

When I woke up just a few minutes after seven in the morning and that was probably the longest I'd slept in years. I was somewhere between really rested and tired out of my mind. I was used to the second one but it was a tad frustrating that I felt that way despite at least nine hours of sleep. Whatever the reason for that was I chose to ignore it in favor of doing my laundry and changing into something that was almost nice but not quite. As in a light grey long sleeved shirt that was a size or two too large and a almost black but not really jeans.

I pushed aside the nerves and anxiety that were plaguing my thoughts and every action, locking them in a whole different section closed off from the rest of my mind. Even so, I couldn't get the little chattering voice to stop saying how fucked up this day was going to be, how bad this was all going to go. How he asked me to come and how I was 99% sure he was going to punch me or worse because I had fucking kissed him. Normal people didn't do that, only in movies and books and well, clichés. I was getting a little sick of those popping up everywhere this break.

I officially pushed everything aside thinking of the way I had technically broken Iowa laws with my oh so horrid underage drinking. Finally finding something to distract me I sat on my bed with my laptop and looked up Iowa drinking laws. I found that if I had been with a parent and had consent from them I would've been just fine. We weren't in a public area so that wasn't a concern, only the consent part. If anyone found out about it I was sure I could convince my oh so nice grandmother to cover for me with a simple guilt trip that would make me cry later for using my parents as an excuse to do shitty things.

I glanced at the time in the lower right hand corner of my screen.

8:15

This was gonna be a long day.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Timothy

I hardly slept at all, really. I couldn't after sending a message like that. I was planning on admitting that- wait for it- I was bi and had an unacceptable infatuation with him, of course in different words. Much, much different words. When I finally did get to sleep after my mind stopped picturing all the ways he could reject me, it was already the wonderful early morning hour of 3:00. I woke up five hours later with anxiety swirling in my abdomen, making me feel like throwing up despite the fact I hadn't eaten anything and the Time Of Doom (said in the Wheel Of Doom voice from Impractical Jokers) wasn't for quite a few hours. Quite a few as in 11 hours and... 42 minutes.

I grumbled something wordless before going to brush my teeth in the bathroom only a few paces away. Once that boring morning stuff was done I decided I owed it to myself to eat breakfast which lead my to trudging down to the kitchen and putting some bread in the toaster oven. As I waited for my food to be done I check the stats on the video I had posted the day before. 10 views. Nice, I hadn't expected that many in less than a day. Must be how great Will was. I smiled at the thought of the slightly taller boy then immediately turned a shade of red I couldn't see but I knew was there. Ah, my brain reliving the kiss again, what fun.

As I looked through the fridge for butter and whatever, the toaster dinged telling me food was finally ready. I got all that ready and went down the basement stairs to sit in drab colours. As I ate I thought maybe this grey was what the world would be shrouded in had I not glimpsed a mystery soulmate so young. I sighed as I looked around, that would be the worst. I suddenly felt a wave of pity for people who had to live like this, especially after the one the universe decides is for them, dies. Sometimes I would take pictures on my phone and put different greyscale filters on them. Some they were pretty but more often than not they were horribly boring.

After I finished eating I stayed in the drab basement for a while longer until before I knew it it was noon already. I figured it was probably a good time for me to actually, y'know, get dressed finally. I made my way back up two flights of stairs and changed into something clean, just jeans and a black Fall Out Boy shirt like an emo kid. I decided to skip lunch and settle for scrolling through the depths of social media and memes until 6:30, when I was planning on going to the designated place. It only took about 5-10 minutes to walk there but I didn't want Will to get there early and have to wait for me. That would be bad.

\---

The fated time finally came and I pulled on some nondescript tennis shoes before telling my mom I was going out and setting off for my destination. Night was coming on and the sun was in the middle of setting, painting the sky with oranges through the thin clouds. I hoped it wouldn't rain, it didn't look like it would but still, nature defies us sometimes.

The walk consisted of two left turns and a few street crossings. I made it there in 7 minutes and stood by one of the large trees in the front yard of Lincoln Middle School. All I had to do after that was wait about twenty minutes. I couldn't sit still so instead I positioned myself looking down the street Will would inevitably be coming from. I hummed a tune I eventually recognized as Teenagers, another My Chemical Romance song. I was getting to the point of being trash. Like, driving all the way to the mall to get shirt at Hot Topic.

Before I knew it, a dirty blond boy was head toward me although still about 100 yards away. I felt my stomach do flips. He was staring at his feet as he walked it seemed and as he got quite a bit closer I noticed cord from his ears to his pockets, he was listening to music. He didn't look up at me so I was free to stare openly at the boy. He was wearing a slightly too big shirt like when we first kissed, way drunk, but this one had longer sleeves. Probably smart, it was a little chilly out this time of year.

He was crossing the street, walking through the shadows of trees still looking at his feet as he walked. I smiled, he was nearly here. My stomach filled with nerves and I bounced on the balls of my feet, telling myself to wait until he finished crossing to go to him.

Then it happened.

A dark blue Mazda 3 with headlights off sped into my peripheral vision and by the time I registered what was about to happen I could do little more than yell out and lean my weight forward into a run. I saw William look up and meet my eyes that I'm sure were full of fear, look to his left and then he was hit. The world dulled and the car stilled quickly, soon after hitting William. Too late.

I rushed to him as the driver got out, tears were in my eyes and flooding down my face, I couldn't help it. I had just seen basically my only friends and also love interest get hit by a speeding car. That type of thing warranted tears, I thought. When I got close enough to see him there was faded red blood everywhere. It seeped through and stained his shirt and dripped out of his mouth. I heard the diver speak in a slurred, intoxicated voice onto the phone. They had dialed 911.

I grabbed his hand and it felt cold and I hoped that was from the cold and not the spoken of chill of death, it was too quick for that anyway. At least, that's what the sensible part of my mind was telling me. I was glad that was still working. I saw through watery eyes that his chest was still moving, slowly and irregularly, but still. His eyes were half open and his face, along with the rest of him, was bruising rapidly. I'm sure many of his bones were broken as well, I could tell his left leg was at least. Legs weren't usually made to look like a child's drawing of a line, squiggly and harsh. White was poking out of the skin below his knee and I nearly threw up.

I found myself crying out a mantra of, "don't die oh god oh god please don't die I love you" with only sobbing breaths in between. He tried to say something it seemed but I couldn't tell what, he couldn't make a sound apart from the drag of his breathing and a cough of blood.

Eventually I heard sirens and dulled red and sharp blue swirled in the air. I was drug away from Will crying and screaming as he was put into an ambulance and driven away. Everything after that was a muddled blur but the next thing I knew I was in the hospital bathroom, washing blood not belonging to me off of my hands. My shirt was stained as well but you could hardly see it save for on the white lettering. Once my hands were rubbed red from too-warm water and more pressure than needed, I returned to the waiting room I was forced into. I sat with my knees pulled to my chest away from my family that had arrived at some point but next to an old lady which of whom I was pained to recognize as Will's grandmother.

A new bout of tears threatened to spill over my eyelids when she spoke, "you invited my William out tonight, yes?" Her voice wasn't accusing whatsoever but in my head all I heard was 'IT'S YOUR FAULT YOU DID IT' over and over. I nodded in response, not trusting my voice as my throat was already closed off with the threat of sobs anyway. "What did you need from him?" She wouldn't look at me, just at the floor and sometimes glanced at the wall beside me.

I inhaled a shaky breath and did indeed start crying once again when I forced the words out, directing my eyes on the pale blue walls decorated with dull yellow and greens. "I was-" I choked back a sob, I shouldn't cry like this again, "I was in love with him and- and I was gonna tell him but-" I hadn't even known I loved the damn boy until I saw him dying on that street. I swiped at my eyes with the back of my hands and our conversation was silent for a bit before her small voice responded again.

"He was very fond of you. He doesn't talk to me much but all today he was fretting around, nervously running around the house. I could tell he was going to someone he had feelings for."

My tears grew heavier and I choked out an "oh" before covering my sobs with my hand.

The room suddenly changed, becoming vibrant with colours, the flower patterns on the walls showing up lively. I choked on my next inhale as a doctor came out and walked to us. "You're here about William Woolbrook, yes?" His grandmother nodded. "He's stable and will be in recovery soon. He had..." the doctor kept rambling on but I stopped listening once he said William was stable. I was far too relieved to be concerned about anything else.

My tears changed from grief to relief quickly and I wiped my tears away once again. He was safe, broken up and probably disabled for life but safe.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Timothy

 

It had been about an hour since the good news was relayed to us when it happened.

The world went grey.

Blue was the only colour that showed for me against the sudden monochrome world before me.

I screamed and got a few looks, tears appeared again.

Just as I thought, a new, sadder looking doctor walked to us, my family hurrying over now at my cry.

"I'm sorry but something went wrong that we didn't see- William is-" he inhaled slowly, "I'm sorry, William is dead."

Dead.

I screamed again, staring eyes wide at the grey everywhere, in which the only color showing was blue.

They didn't tell us this.

They didn't tell us we would see only their favorite colour.

After death we could see only our soulmate's favorite.

William's favorite colour was blue.

I couldn't think or breathe, just sob at my newly revealed soulmate's death.

It was then I decided I hated the universe, they took him away right as I found him. Took him away in front of my eyes.

The only things in my head were screaming guilt and the three words I had uttered then in the street, murmured there in the chair and then later at the funeral.

"I love you."


End file.
